Another appointment

I'm a real regular now. I have a gold pass to all the finest medical facilities. Gone are the days of obscurity, where I had to actually introduce myself to the receptionist, RNs and medical technicians.  I miss those days. Today is yet another appointment with the oncologist. Follow up to the follow up. The focus on my left breast brings tears to my eyes as I examine myself in the mirror. Couldn't I just have it removed too?  Wouldn't that be simpler than all these follow up exams, xrays, poking and prodding? I rather like the idea of toting two travel breast that can be removed at the end of the day, put to bed in their twin slings while I get a good night sleep.   Surgery?  Well, maybe not.

Shoulder pain and numb fingers prevail. I'm not wrapping anymore, it really seems to make things worse. I do my massage daily and it helps. Depending on my physical exertion of the day my discomfort rises and falls on the meter.

Happy Halloween!!

Inner-Space Junk

Six month check up, again. The receptionist didn't hassle me about "only the left breast" this time.  I believe she had other complaints, and after all , this IS breast cancer awareness month.  Someone must of clunked her upside her head. I was welcomed with  "any changes?" instead. I assumed she meant personal information and/or insurance and shook my head and sat down. For the third time I picked up the BHG magazine and read the same light dinner recipes taking mental note of the ingredients, measurements and oven temperatures, knowing I could do this without ripping out the page.  Good information, I tell myself. For the life of me I can't remember what the recipes was for. Something light.

My name is called and I'm instructed to wipe this, hang that, wear this, sit and wait.  My new dilema Where (or how) to place my breast? I can't hang the bra on the hook and the little wall shelf isn't wide enough.   I fold my bra neatly, one cup inside the other creating a little Pope Hat. I sit in my chair behind the curtain, hands folded with my breast on my lap like a Catholic girl waiting for confession. My name is called. The Pope hat is transfered to the chair. I smooth out the wrinkles and there it sat. Neat. Waiting. A small plush Breast Cancer Awareness icon.

Time to step up to the plate. After about 6 angles I'm instructed to return to my curtained waiting room but  to not get dressed "just yet". How could one little breast create such a stir? I didn't know I had that many angles. I'm called back into the room. Just 2 more pictures. I smile, I'm polite, I'm scared. I'm told there is something of interest (oh Geeze, here we go again). The doctor is looking at the film, he wants some more angles.  Well I could stand on my head, I'm thinking. The film is taken. I return to my chair - as I draw the curtain, there is my little breast. Waiting patiently.  I decide not to panic and emulate that little icon. The clinician returns.  "They" want a sonogram. And I wait again.

Everyone is all smiles. I get the feeling this is a practiced response. I imagine  the staff have a silent alarm that singles "We have a potential runner here, everyone smile, be happy".  All heads are turned toward me, they smile, nod approvingly and go on with their business. Heads down their eyes follow me as I am escorted to the sonogram room. There I recognize the technition.  She was pregnant the last time we met. She greeted my like an old friend.  The process wasn't as simple as it should have been.  She was having difficulty finding the area of interest.  It kept moving, or something.  Pressing deeper into my flesh she was sure it was there somewhere. " Ahh... see, there it is.  See that shadow?" My heart sank. Yep, I see a dark blur, some grey and white, stuff moving a bit. I didn't have a clue as to what I was seeing, but it was non the less scary.

Satisfied the tech instructed me to get comfortable, but "don't get up".  OH, they have my blouse and my breast, I can't leave.  Comfortable? I kicked off my shoes, curled up in fetal position, tempted to suck my thumb. I've been here for over an hour. The great invisable wizard  is checking my film, examining my video, looking deep into my very being. How would you like THAT job?  Cheerfully the tech returns and explains that everyone agrees that this is probably the "markers" that were placed inside me during my last visit and some scar tissue from the biopsy.  Soooo... man made, like space junk.

I get dressed, exit the back door and run to my car.  While at work a voice message on my phone tells me to call my oncologist.  Holy Smokes!! I think.  It's too late and the office is closed for the day.  I have to wait until morning to connect with the oncology nurse.  Tom and I slept fretfully. I called first thing in the morning and after a few transfers was told that . . . . . "oh, yes, it says here that everything looks fine".

It's breast cancer awareness month - - - Oh, I'm aware, alright!

Spiderwebs engulf the doorway. Wispy tendrils glisten in the early morning sunlight. I know they are there, they were there last week when I vacuumed them away.  It's fall. Tiny and not so tiny eight legged creatures toil throughout the night, hammock the corners and baton down the door jambs. Ceiling hangers recoil with the first pull on  invisible threads.  Their only defense against the powerful sucking probe is to hide and rebuild when all is clear. A creature of another sort seeks refuge behind major appliances.  Joey is attentive and waits. All eyes and ears, tail curled head low. An unfortunate and certain outcome, for sure. Blue Jays, Doves, Quail and small song birds jockey for a spot at the bird feeder. Our adopted family is getting fat. More seeds, please.  A Woodpecker visits and plucks juicy yellow jackets from the sappy wooden joists. Its fall,  can you believe it?  It's a beautiful day - webs can wait, they aren't going anywhere.

I-Reflect

Very sad news about Steve Jobs.  He truly changed all our lives.  I remember our first MAC in the HOUSE.  It was clumsy and fun.  Bailey grew up with a computer in the living room.  She played Oregon Trail, learned the piano keyboard, numbers, letters, everything right there!!  And the "MOUSE" what a concept!!  Can you believe it? Tom would spend hours "de-fracting" whatever that means.  I only  got hooked on one game, MYST.

I understand the I-Phone 5 will have voice recognition software so all you have to do is talk to it, it does the rest.  You can say "what is the meaning of life?" and it will tell you. It's interesting how the gadgets of our past imagination (Captain Kirk's communicator) seem to pale in comparison.  

The I-Pad is seen in doctors offices, my Physical Therapist used it to demonstrate how the lymph system worked.  It's quite amazing all the applications.  I-Appreciate.

Thank you universe for allowing this bright star to shine and enlighten our world.  I-Amazed